Laos - Where the sh*t hit the fan

We jumped onto our bus in Hanoi excited and raring to get to Laos. Alex and Rose had sent us off with the best snack pack ever and we were sure that the next 30 hours of traveling would pass in a heart beat. Too good to be true, within half an hour of being on the bus a guy we had just met scared the crap out of us with his drug-smuggling horror stories. Apparently we were taking the exact route that some girl had done when someone slipped some drugs into her bag. She is currently in prison somewhere in Laos! This may not have been so bad if it wasn't for the fact that it was now pitch black outside, there were only five tourists on the bus and that it kept stopping at all these decidedly dodgy spots. We later found out that they were putting livestock under the bus, not drugs in our bags. Kat and Imy 1, Laos 0.

After only 24 hours we arrived in Luang Prabang. We couldn't believe we'd arrived a whole 6 hours early! Kat and Imy 2, Laos 0. We refueled on some noodles, headed to our nicely air-conditioned room (we splashed out because we're worth it) and promptly fell asleep.

We spent the next day enjoying a wander round Luang Prabang and enjoying all it had to offer.

Maybe the Mekong Delta

Temple prancer

Luang Prabang

Being the keen biker chicks that we are, we decided to hire some mopeds and go on an adventure to the waterfall. This is when it all went wrong. An evil cretin of a man, who we wish serious harm to, rode up beside Imy and forced her to stop by cutting her up and making her slam on the brakes. He then jumped off his motorbike and took out a knife, grabbing Imy's bag off her back. Kat realised what was going on, dropped her still-running bike and started wailing like a banshee as she ran towards the crime scene, arms flailing and all. They both looked up, in shock of the stupidity, before he carried on the brutal mugging. Imy was an absolute trooper throughout and was a pillar of strength for the distraught Kat. I think that makes it Kat and Imy 2, Laos 2,000,000.



We carried on to the waterfall as we were only 4km away. It was pretty hard to care about the waterfall after what had happened but we tried to dry Kat's puffy eyes and took a quick look, hoping to find someone to ride back with. Luckily, we met back up with the group of boys off the bus and they took us under their wing and rode back with us.

The waterfall

Sunies hiding the pain

We went straight to the police station to file a report. They seemed nice enough and told us to come back the next day to collect the report, once the officer's captain had a chance to look over it. We did just that, but the mother fudgers well and truly screwed us over. They refused to give Imy the report, which she needs to claim back what she's lost on insurance! They were really horrible to us and sent us away with nothing. Not wanting to spend another second in Luang Prabang, we got straight on the bus to Vang Vieng.

Fingers crossed tubing will cheer us up a bit.

Sapa

Our final destination in Vietnam was Sapa, and after another customary overnight bus ride we finally got there. Poor old Rose arrived a slightly different person though, as she had to endure a Vietnamese man pleasuring himself all night on the neighbouring bed. Luckily we escaped that one! Sapa is infamous for its stunning scenery, with hills rolling on top of each other for as far as the eye can see, all layered with mini paddy fields.

Paddy fields 

Grass Horse

From the moment we stepped off the bus it was pretty clear that Sapa was even better than the pictures we had seen. Si, the best guide ever, greeted us off the bus and we started our two day trek into the rolling hills. The group consisted of about 7 tourists and 10 locals 'assisting us' (later on they took the baskets off their backs and tried to flog us all the items they had been carrying). But Si was a different kettle of fish and told us all about the local customs and her native tounge.

Awesome foursome

Si

We trekked for a couple of hours before we stopped off at a local haunt for some lunch. Kids swarmed around us trying to sell bracelets. We all felt great for bargaining the kids down from 10,000 kip to 1,000 kip for a bracelet each. We felt pretty great, that is, until we realised that we had given them a meagre 3 pence! So we ended up buying about ten each to make up for it.

Piggy-back

Yummy...bacon

The best part of the trip was just about to start, as we were all staying at a local home stay with a family. There were about 17 people staying with this one family and they cooked dinner for all of us. The absolute icing on the cake were their three children, and more specifically, Bo.

Bo

The cutest child in the world

They were the most content and happy children we have seen since we've been away, playing with all of us and demanding that we pick them up and swing them around in intervals. They made the house we were staying at really feel like a home. After a scrummy dinner and a few shots of whatever they handed us, we headed to bed.

Sunset over the paddys

Waking up in one of the most beautiful places in the world was only made better by the fact that the kids all still wanted to play. Bo was loving Kat's Fray-bans and Imy's flat peak.

We started off on our second day with not a lot of walking to do really and that left plenty of time for everyone to make the most of the beautiful waterfall. Kat, wasting no time, was in there like a rabbit on heat. We then made our way to Si's home town where we finished the tour with noodle soup and a fried egg floating in the middle. Delicious.

Nice view

Mesmerising 

After such an incredible couple of days, we were dreading having to get back on the night bus but little did we know what was in store for us. The warning signs were raised when we saw the public masturbator boarding our bus. When we got on the bus, the driver demanded that we had to sit at the back, we didn't really want to as he was forcing the point quite hard. When we refused, he started to smack Imy's bottom and grab Kat's arm. To avoid any more hassle, we did as he wanted and got to the back. It really wasn't  that bad, with lots of room and a bit of privacy we thought we had done quite well! Then the bus started filling up until there were no more seats available. The bus driver slowly made his way down to us with a local in tow and a sheepish look on his face. He pointed at the 20 cm of space in between Rose and Imy and without so much as a glance in our direction, ordered the man to squeeze between us. Imy was just lucky that the little Vietnamese dude wanted to cuddle up with Rose instead. It was safe to say another horrendous night of limited sleep ensued.

Back to Hanoi. Next destination Laos, Luang Pra Bang.

Hanoi and Halong Bay

Upon arrival in Hanoi we got a taxi and we were extremely chuffed that a cabby would let us go on the meter. Unfortunately, within 5 minutes we knew why...the fare was already at a hefty 150,000 dong -a-long (nearly 4 pounds). We finally got to what would become our stopping base camp for the next week, the Funky Monkey Hostel. Within minutes we found ourselves signed up to a Halong Bay tour and a Sapa tour, we were equally excited and buzzing for them both. Alex and Rose rocked up around midday and we spent the day wandering around Hanoi, looking in the shops and finding some spot-on street food.

More interested in the ice cream than the sights

Best street food in Hanoi

That evening, we met two of Alex's friends who have moved to Hanoi, Meg and Cam. They took us to a great little BBQ place to eat before heading to the Old Quarter and squatting on mini stools to enjoy a beer or two.

Cracking BBQ

Bia Hoi

The next day we were off to Halong Bay! After about four hours on a coach, and having consumed our entire snack pack, we arrived at the harbour and boarded our boat, where we were finally given some lunch. Being the fatties that we are, we then proceeded to go around every other table eating their left overs. The first part of the trip was a visit to a big cave that had disco lights everywhere, obviously the natural beauty wasn't enough for the Vietnamese who thought bright flashing lights were far more fun. We couldn't agree more!

Gone in 60 seconds 

Disco disco

We boated around Halong Bay a bit more and were informed that Halong Bay is a collection of 1969 islands. Interestingly, this number corresponds to the year that Ho Chi Minh died. Fact of the day. We pulled up at a little floating village and had the opportunity to do some kayaking. For an extra 60,000 dong you could pay a little old lady to kayak in "her cave", as she apparently owned the cave. Opting out of this extortion, we kayaked around the bay and found a hole in a big rock to kayak through, which we reckoned was way more fun that her stupid cave.

Keen kayaker

Through the hole

Halong Bay

After some more boating, we were dropped off on Cat Ba Island, which was our home for the evening. Unfortunately the bus had broken down, so a two-hour wait was in order before we finally made it to the hotel. A rather tame night on the razz was in order. For us stingey ladies Rose Bar was an absolute winner, as ladies drank for free!

Bright and early the next day, it was time to hike to the top of a mountain. Alex, AKA Jungle Jane, kept us all motivated despite the mosquito attack and we were the first ones to the top. At the top there were lovely views across the island and a rather sketchy watch-tower that you could climb. With knees knocking, we made it to the top and managed to get a few pictures before the fear racked up a level and we all rushed down.

Jungle Jane

The top of the tower

Flushed

After a spot of lunch back at the hotel, we were one of the lucky few who were picked up for a trip to Monkey Island. Our nagging had obviously paid off as some unlucky sods were left on Cat Ba for the whole day. The monkeys on Monkey Island were really radgey and chased all the tourists out of the bar, so we just hung out on the beach and bobbed in the sea.

Bobbing

Sunning

That evening was our turn to sleep on the boat. We absolutely scored with our boat as there wasn't a cockroach or rat in sight! Dinner was served, followed by some rather tipsy karaoke. Kat was straight up there and belting out the ballads, but Imy took a little bit more Dutch courage before she finally took to the mike.

Mariah Carey on the mike

The next day, with slightly banging headaches, we headed back to Hanoi having absolutely loved Halong Bay.

Next stop: Sapa

Hoi An to Hue the Easyriders way

We were up bright and early to start our motorbike adventure. Cuong (nicknamed "Strong man" despite him being 5'1") had Kat on the back of his hefty bike, while Imy made her own way on a moped. It was perfect weather for a spot of motorbiking and we couldn't wipe the smiles off our faces. Cuong had promised to show us some of the more touristy things first, so we stopped off at Marble Mountain and explored the network of shrines and caves that form the mountain. It was pretty impressive, but without the breeze we were unbearably hot and headed back for the bikes sharpish.

Shrine-tastic

I'm in a cave

We made our way to China Beach next, where we sat and took in the view, while Cuong had yet another cigarette. A quick trip up the Hoi Van Pass gave us some pretty amazing views of the coastline and we had a cracking iced coffee, but the incessant woman trying to sell us a load of crap got too much, so we carried on on our journey.

Kat and Cuong

Bikes enjoying the scenery

Us enjoying the scenery

After a little while, Cuong took us to a local joint for some lunch. You could tell it was local by the amount of bone and innards included in the meal. That said, it was good grub and we were set for our trip to the waterfall. We were so ready for a swim in the waterfall because it was a roaster of a day! Cuong, being the big brave strong man that he is, jumped in from the side, but scared for our safety, he isn't that we entered safely by climbing down. There was a lovely group of pissed Vietnamese trying to tempt us over with their beers, but we declined politely and swam about in the fresh-water pool, counting our lucky stars for bumping into Cuong.

Seals

Bond girl

Sitting on a boulder

Unfortunately, getting out of the pool wasn't as easy as getting in, and Imy found herself flopping about like a stranded seal, unable to heave her gut up the rock. The Vietnamese piss heads rolled around laughing at her display before gathering themselves enough to start taking photos.

Floppy seal

Locals getting on it

Time was getting on a bit and we started to make our way to the small town that we'd be staying in. We passed through tiny villages, where kids came running up to us waving and shouting "hello". We stopped off in one of the tiny villages so Cuong could show us how they make rice wine. He had some business on the phone to attend to, and while he was doing that the locals gathered around us and had a good old laugh at our "bright red skin", which we saw as more of a healthy golden glow. Just as the circle of people was getting a bit to close for comfort, Cuong was finished and we were off again, this time riding into the sunset. The sunset brought with it a rain storm, so we donned plastic bags that they market as waterproof ponchos and raced to the hotel. 

Pretty sure this was an illegal distillery

Chhiiildreeen

We arrived wet through, with wrinkly skin from the soaking. Dinner was a great success and Cuong got pissed as a fart off rice wine. Knackered from the day's events, we headed to bed early so we'd be ready for the next day of riding. 

The Ho Chi Minh trail awaited us and within twenty minutes we found ourselves on the famous trail, not believing how beautiful the scenery could be. There were waterfalls everywhere and winding roads around mountains. We passed through tiny towns, where wooden houses were scattered around rice paddies and even more kids smiled and waved as we passed. At one point we came to a tunnel that was home to a herd of cows and we had to dodge around them to get through.

Cow tax

Hubby and wifey

Strike a pose

The trail hasn't been fully renovated yet, so a bit of off-road riding was in order. This was all fine and dandy until the heavens opened again, transforming the road into an ice rink. Slipping all over the shop, Cuong kept the pace slow and steady. To the great amusement of Imy, the weight of Kat and her bag was too much for Strong Man to handle, and in slow motion we fell to the side, bike and all. Scrambling to our feet, Imy had to help Cuong lift the bike and we hopped straight back on to try again,  Cuong was mortified about the incident and kept saying that Imy was a better driver than he was and that he should let her lead the tours in future. (This was true).

Second waterfall strong man took us to

STRONG MAN

Finally we came to the end of the slippy stuff and were back on a proper road. We finished up driving through Hue, where Imy felt like a local, nipping through the other traffic on her moped. Cuong dropped us off at our hotel and we were gutted to see him go. We love Strong Man always and forever!!

Family photo

Hoi An

We got the free shuttle bus from our hotel to the centre of Hoi An (Tailor Town). First order of the day was some brekki. While we ate, a nice man named Cuong approached us and within a couple of minutes we had signed up to an Easyrider tour with him, which would take us from Hoi An to Hue by motorbikes. It seemed that we were having an impulsive day, as a few minutes later we found ourselves in a tailor's shop that had not been recommended by anyone or any guide, and thirty minutes later Kat had ordered a "Burberry" trench coat. Cue minor breakdown upon exiting the tailors. 

"Oooohhh wwoooowww big bottom"

To cool Kat's nerves as much as anything, we went back to the hotel for a swim in the freezing cold pool. Later on, Kat persuaded Imy that we should go to the beach so we took the hotel's pushbikes and cycled to Am Bang beach. It was an absolute beauty and we ate lunch on our deckchairs. Imy fell asleep, leaving Kat to watch the Vietnamese kids play in the waves and the little round boats bob about in the water. 

Bike-ride view

Before she conked out

Bobbing about

That evening, we crossed the bridge and turned left to find the food stalls recommended by Meg. What a recommendation! We had Cao Lau (noodles, veg, pork and a sauce) and Crispy Wanton. It was the best food we had in vietnam! Big up Mr. Tien's.

Ooh yeah, good noods

D-Day dawned for Kat and it was time to see if the coat would in anyway match up to her high hopes.  Thankfully it did, otherwise Imy would have had a tantrum to deal with. Caught up in the excitement, Imy ordered a coat to be made that she didn't even want. We then biked around the old town, stopping at the Japanese Pagoda Bridge and the local market. Yet again, Imy got tempted by the tailors and ordered a made-to-measure pair of "Nike" trainers! There was no stopping her. In fear that we would blow our whole budget in a few days, we went back to the hotel for a sunbathing session. 

Chuffed

Career possibility

Market

Japanese Pagoda bridge

On our way back into town, we bumped into Alex and Rose, who hopped on the back of our bikes and we went back to pick up Imy's new items. She was just as chuffed as Kat had been, and the Converse soles on the bottom of her Nike  trainers only added to their uniqueness. After meandering around the Old Town some more, we introduced Alex and Rose to Mr. Tien's, where we were received back with open arms, a big smile and free bananas.

Gutted that we couldn't stay longer in Hoi An, we headed back to the hotel to prepare for our bike tour. 

Next stop: Hoi Van Pass and the Ho Chi Minh Trail.